-+Sentiments+-*

I must admit, I've been much happier these few days than the whole of 3 weeks past.

The SG24's outing yesterday..... it just rox!
The people
The place
The conversations
The Braces

The 1S18's outing today..... it rox-ed too!
The people
The places
The conversations
The Bowling
The long walk through Serangoon Gardens

Think Sheena's overseas trip had something to do with it.
Not because she's gone
but because i dont get to emo.
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The 1S18's trip out was fun! Even though 5 out of 18 turned up.

Let me draw u a concept map

SRJC(1pm)=====> Heartland Mall (Pizza Hut)
                                  l
                                  l Bus
                                  l
                                 V
                 Serangoon Gardens Country Club ( Is that the name?)
                                                                         ( Bowling)

                  l
                  l  Walk
                 V
           NTUC===> BloxDrive Home==> Saint Francis Xavier(Church of?)
                                                                               l
                                                                              V
                                               CHIJ Our Lady Of Good Counsel
                                                                               l
                                                                              V
                                                                          Home(8pm)
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II must admit again, I've been much happier these few days than the whole of 3 weeks past.

Me not going for Camp Aspire meant that i effectively gave up my position as a "Class Leader". That was what they impressed on us. That was what i thought.

Which meant to say that i had chosen to give it up.

Know what? I felt relieved actually. Felt that a huge burden was lifted offa me shoulders.

I could crap with the class.
I'm not the one responsible for their actions( which could prove fatal some day)
I actually felt , for the first time, that i was part of the class.
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9.27pm
11th June 2007

Heya!

Went to Marina Square(i believe) with my beloved SG24!! Was so happy to see them! Sure felt like old times.....

Though not everyone was available at least the Braces Gang could finally meet again!

Everyone seems so busy with their own things while I seem to be most free... or am i just too tired to do the rest that i feel that there's nothing for me to do?

I see most of us had met someone from SG24 outside too! Sari with Tim, Fiona with Tim, Me n Aaron, etc(forgot).

And whats up with me wearing the Pre-U Sem shirt? Apart from needing it as formal-wear for my class, there's nothing wrong with being so "on" about Pre-U Sem. After all it did change my life (for better or for worse i know not) and you guys just rox!.

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Think i need a part-time job in a kindergarten or something. The kids in my class are getting hard to control. Need something to calm them down when they get too high (we rox I know)

Tranquilisers

In a sense yes but literally, no. 

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Sometimes we just need something in life to push us on.

Friends

Family

Something.......... Anything

 

11.03 Pm

10 June 2007

I haven't given up.
I don't want to give up.
I refuse to believe that this is my all
i know this isn't
thats why
i'll continue
to be true to myself

9.08 pm
8th June 2007

I had a chemistry tutorial today and we drew mind-maps for the various topics. I needed colour pens so i looked through my pencil case. Red, Orange, Pink, Blue. Where's my Green?

Then it hit me

I left it back at NTU's auditorium where all the sleepy(but fun) panel discussions were held, where SG24 first came together that Saturday.

                                          I nearly cried
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Think I'm in Depression already. I don't feel like doing anything. Everything i built up since the start of the year is collapsing.

The Friendships
The Bonds
The Life


I feel like killing myself.... to end it all. To end the misery... to end being human.... to end everything.



If I were to be granted one wish now

I would wish for the end of the world.... immediately.

No matter what people say about hope, about being happy, those things won't last.
i hate humans

8.17pm
6 June 2007

I saw The I.V.A site's up! looks kinda cool doesn't? feel the power of Weebly!

Interesting thing about it is that its supposed to be for educational purposes but one can find a game of gore called BixHead there. Kinda makes you wonder whether about children's reactions about it.

I think they'll be more of BORED than SHOCKED given today's world and age. With movies such as Saw and Severance, its little wonder  why youths nowadays are getting more apathetic  towards the suffering of others, as if pain for others are none of their business.

I guess thats the whole point of us educators. We right the wrongs and hope that we won't wrong the right in the process.
---------------------
Spent the whole day making my way between school and Serangoon Central. First was to go school for 2 hours of physics during which i had drawn of female verson of Hatake Kakashi. Next was back to Serangoon Central to collect my blazer and lunch with Gershwin, Calvin and Jackson. After that i went back to return the blazer to the blazer room and sat with Sheena for about 2.5 hours talking crap. Saw Ernest painting walls.
All these done without my student ez-link card.
So i went to hougang interchange to get a new one! (wow...)
---------------------
Haii feel like everything is so messed up.
---------------------
i saw the Leaders of srjc heading off for their camp in changi. Hope they can make it there in one piece! XD
can't imagine vanessa lugging her "big" bag around. It'll be so funny! Hope they won't kill me for not having fun with them.
heh....................heh.....................heh

5.14pm
5 June 2007

You've hurt me.
You've cut me.
You have no idea how much u mean to me.
Don't get this wrong way.

But i'm hurt.
i'm cut.
yet you continue to do so
even if unwitting
even if oblivious

ignorance is bliss?
to you
but not to others

Today
you decided to slash through me
as if i haven't had enough

Even I didn't realise how damaged i was
until u snapped away at whatever's left of my resolve.
Like splintered plank being chipped.

you're killing me.

you're pushing me away.

maybe unconciously
i'm leaving because of you
and whatever's left of us.

Deep down inside, i wish
That things weren't like this.
That my shields, barriers, guards
and strength to hold didn't break.
That things wouldn't come down to this.

Deep down inside
I've had hope.
hope which still exists
if ever so slightly.
Hope that things wouldn't turn out as i anticipated.
Hope that things will go back to the way they were.

Anticipation?
After the camp
i noticed.
i knew.

Tried preventive measures.
yet you weren't responsive
i failed evidently.

I felt that i could protect you.
I felt that i would.
After all,
It is you we're talking about.
but I feel lost when i see you.
but I feel anguished when i meet you.

I tried to think positively
tried to think that all would turn out fine.
guess i  ""wouldn't look at the bright side
if i weren't already in the dark.""

Sometimes it feels so cold.
Sometimes i wonder if you still care.
Sometimes i question myself
whether or not
it was all worth it.

Remember what i said
during one of the Public Speaking Training Sessions?
Don't overlook those around you.

I guess its just you.
Its just what you do.
Ness (perhaps not as much but still the same)
Me
who else will it be?

If you happen to chance upon this
let me just say
that............................
you ARE one of my most treasured friends


11.41pm
3rd June 2007

About the Poly-JC thing. Think i got it sorted out.
Five Words:I WANT TO GROW UP        

I feel that if i continue in JC... i'll end like a small kid, someone who knows nothing about the world... even if i make it to university.

A disabled frog in a deep well.

I dont just want to study and study and study. I want to do things. I want to be able to build something up with my own two hands and i just can't see that in JC. Even if i make it to uni, i do not think i'll be much different than what i am now(which is not enough).

I will not be treated like a fool.
i will not be taken lightly.
My eyes will open.

All the reasons, such as not interested, never do work, immature environment or no sense of belonging are just secondary just reasons for me to exit JC and not reasons to enter Poly.

Feel that Poly will change me, change me from a hapless child into a real person.

Wanna go out there into the field, into the real world. To whack or to be whacked by others. To prove my worth in society.

That way life may be more interesting than just books and grades.

Some people questioned my initial choice to enter JC. My answer to that would be because, like the kid i am, i wanted to stay with new found friends, didn't want to change environment, didn't think for myself.

I'm always thinking for others, never for myself. If i caused someone to be in trouble i'll really feel guilty about it. If something benefits others i will do it. All to make them happy.

But now i'm beginning to think for myself.
Even if, by leaving JC, i have to leave my closest buddies and bestest friends, even though both parties will be hurt,  I will do it.

This is the path that i choose and yet my feet shakes, my arms weaken, my heart uncertain.

That is the first step that i must take.

To overcome the fear....... to brace [Braces Gang!! =)] myself for whatever lies ahead.

....................I will grow up.......................

4.35pm
2nd June 2007